Petro: "Once when I was 30, I ate a sandwich while taking a poo. I just wanted you to know that."

If she's as good looking as you, Doc, then I'm sure she's beating the men off with a stick. Actually, in place of "with a stick", put "for a shiny new goat."

"While we're on the subject, here's some more phone numbers you won't need. Donna Richards, my gynecologist - 143.12. Jimbo Limbo, this guy who used to beat me up in high school - 144.00. And Wu-Tang Kinkaid - Master of the Pan Flute! 133.11!"

Okay, I guess this game never wants you to do anything besides talk on the phone and dish with your military friends and get advice.

Yozef, before you even speak, you are automatically my favorite character in this game.

"Why does Foxhound use animal names?" Why not ask the sun why it rises, the moon why it is white, and the Bar-Mitzvah why it has no bar. (Er, does it?)

Yozef, you are a delight and sir, I like the cut of your jib!

Oh holy shit, that's a disturbing smile.

Well, I'm glad I called him. That's not sarcasm, just look at that bald, happy chap! He's like Michael Chiklis, only happy and comforting. And he has good advice like, "Animals don't belong on the battlefield." As we'll learn in the next Metal Gear game, however, love can exist there...

Head to the north to find a desert. And your walkie-talkie rings! Are you fucking kidding me? How many damned people do I have to talk to in this stupid game!

"No face, my old friend! Good to see you again!"

"Uh okay. Good enough for me."

Fortunately, your mysterious fan is correct. You're in a minefield. But if you crawl on the ground, you can collect mines. Check this out - you actually need to collect mines for the upcoming boss, but you also need to cross a really annoying swamp to get to that boss. So if you don't collect the mines here, the game makes you annoyingly backtrack to this desert. By the way, if you try to cross the desert, you'll meet the third boss early, and you won't have the weapon necessary to kill it, which means instant death! Thanks, Konami! Why make things easy on the people who buy your products?

(Or emulate them?)

And for the love of Christ, Holly calls you in the desert to tell you this crap. "Oh, Noriko sand? That's the tastiest!"

Zanzibar Land imports squeaky sand from... Nihon (Japan) to... wait, why the hell do they do this?

"Hey Billy, that order from Italy come in yet? This topsoil ain't squeaky enough!"