Ah! Ration B3! I got this from beating a guard to death. Let that be a lesson to you. Nothing stealthier than beating people to death and taking their food. What could a B3 ration contain?

Ham, cheese, spaghetti, and coffee! What schizophrenic cooks are devising this shit? Do I really need to comment on this? I hope the B4 rations aren't popcorn, chickpeas, and grape jelly.

Now, here's realism! There's two guards, randomly placed metal grating, and... some weird ass hutch thing that you can crawl under. Uh, okay. You'd think they'd have removed those things, but judging from the giant gaps in the perimeter fence, I'm guessing this fortress was bought as a fixer-upper.

I got caught crawling under the hutch, but I found no one could get to me so long as I was under there. Sadly, I also couldn't leave, so I just decided to wait it out. Three days later, I decided just to play a different game.

Aha! An elevator. To use it, punch the call button. Then the game realistically makes you wait for the elevator. Worse, it takes awhile. Oh boy! Waiting! I don't get to do enough of that in my real life! Thanks, Konami!

What? You've never seen an elevator where the up and down buttons are on completely opposite sides of the elevator? You've never been to Zanzibar, bitch! Punch the buttons to go up and down. I recommend doing this in real life.

I decided to kill some time and call up Holly. I tried to imagine Solid Snake saying, "Your reply, please." But I decided that was completely out of character for him. He looks scared of the antenna in that picture.

What a bitch! I'm the one sneaking around the enemy's conjoined tank hangar and she's busy? With what? Call later. Don't hold your breath. I decide to call Campbell instead.

Gee, thanks, Colenol Science. (Does he look a little like John Kerry there, or is it me?)

Wow, I never thought there could be anything less helpful here than a fortune cookie, but the game surprises me once again! Hey game, bite me when you should bite me. (Now.)